I have had enough. Seriously. I’m tired of the sickness. I’ve had enough of the flu, coughing, runny noses, vomiting, and fevers. I’ve had enough of the hospital visits, doctor visits, and Lysol-ing my entire house multiple times. I want my nice hands back. You know, the ones that aren’t dried, cracking and bleeding from washing them so much. Finally, I want to stop worrying all the time. I know as a mother this is impossible. But a little less worry would do me good.
Instead of skipping over you entirely, I’ve decided that as soon as my 6-month-old gets out of the hospital this time, I’m starting you over. Really. Sometime in the next few days, it won’t be early February for me. It will be my new January 1. And if we get sick again, I will start over again until we can move the healthy train forward. Seriously, enough. Give this mama a break.
I know I was meant to be a mama. I love my kids so much I think my heart may burst. I love my husband so much for helping me produce such delights. I don’t want to rush this time because it is precious and I know it is just a blink in the larger picture. But, I really need the sickness to subside. Or just lessen even for a bit. I need a minute to breathe.
After I got hit hard with the flu a few weeks ago, I was laying in the ER at 2:30 am one night, and my mom (who graciously took me there so Matt could stay with the kids) put down the book she was reading and said, “I never told you the most important thing about being a mom. You have to take care of yourself first.” I smiled and rolled back over to sleep, all while thinking “bull****.”
Why? I never once remember my mom putting herself first. I often find myself wondering how she did it with six kids. I think back to what my mom was like when we were sick. All I can remember is her always being there. Her love. Her constant attention. I know there were times when all 6 of us were sick. I can’t believe she still has hair left. Maybe she did put herself first but was really good at hiding it? If so, I need to work on that. Because I was miserable for a few weeks there. And the best I could do was the bare minimum for my kids.
I walked to Mass at St. Louis church from the hospital on Sunday and I’ve said it before – but wow, was I meant to be there that weekend. From the readings, to the homily and then the little faith reflection in the Bulletin afterwards (see below)…it was like I had a direct line from God that day. Despite all the illness, we are all doing fine and recovering. And we will continue on, germs or no germs. It’s all good. “For He is good…He heals the broken-hearted and binds up their wounds.”
I’ve spent a lot of time thinking over the past few months how easily we take things for granted. Obviously the first thing that comes to mind is our health. Which I was super grateful for feeling better after really 4 weeks of being on the down and out. But even looking at Owen and seeing him still unable to continually hold his head up at 6 months, which is something that typically comes to “normal” babies around 3-4 months. And seeing how hard he works to use his arms and grab at things. It just came so naturally and easy to my other two kids, but he has to work…and work hard. For what he’s been through and will go through until he’s better, he really is a strong boy. And I will continue to appreciate his hard work in accomplishing each and every milestone that came so easily to his siblings.
I hope you take nothing for granted. And I hope you got your flu shot…this one is no joke.
Happy January 2nd everyone!
Things I am grateful for today:
1) Good reports from Millie’s pre-school teacher. She loves school, and that makes me really happy she will hopefully not run screaming out of Kindergarten next year.
2) Our house. I love being here and have a renewed appreciation every time I have to be away.
3) Healthcare workers who choose to take care of babies and kids.