Just breathe my sweet, just breathe…something I whisper to
my son each evening before I leave him for the night. Something simple enough,
something we all knew how to do from birth, but my son occasionally just stops
breathing while he sleeps. We hope and pray whatever is causing it will heal or
maybe he will just grow out of whatever it is, but for now, breathing support,
constant testing and evaluation by doctors, and a lengthy stay in the Neonatal
Intensive Care Unit is my son’s life right now. That, and lots of kisses,
cuddles, songs and books being read to him by mama & dada.
I used to pray for patience all the time. Patience in
dealing with my two-year-old who has found his feisty nature and early (and
likely life-long) love of annoying his older sister. Patience in dealing with
my daughter who found her “stomping feet” when she’s angry and who sometimes I
feel like is a 13-year-old in a four-year-old’s body. In my previous blog post
I talked about waiting as patiently as I could for my latest child to arrive
and how he was taking his sweet time entering the world. Boy, did I get what I
asked for…and in abundance.
There are things I have learned having a child in the NICU
for the past 2+ weeks:
- If you don’t have patience you will go crazy. Like literally, out of your mind bonkers. Things take time, tests take time, and there are so many babies there that need attention that the time you do have to speak with the doctor is a precious moment. My prayers were answered…I received my patience and it is one of the things keeping me sane while we wait wait wait for answers.
- Probably the most unnatural, most torturous thing I have experienced in my life thus far is leaving my newborn infant son in the hospital, mostly during the overnight hours. I just carried him for 42 weeks, brought him home for three days and then had to bring him back to the hospital. It is not really possible for me to stay with him overnight, and I need to be present for my other kids so it is something that tears me apart every day – leaving one child to be with the other two and vice versa. It is just such an awful feeling. So now I pray for strength…strength to endure the heartache, strength to be the mama my toddlers need and strength to have a clear enough head to be the voice my sweet baby boy needs.
- I am so grateful for having full-term, high-weight babies. While I may not feel that way during delivery, I am quick to forget the pain and am so happy to have my big babies. Within the past week, we have had two preemies come in the same area as our sweetie and wow – having a 1.5 lb. baby – I can’t even wrap my head around it. All I can do is pray for those sweet little babies and their slow but steady growth.
- All NICU nurses need to be canonized as Saints. Seriously, day in and day out they are dealing with some of the most fragile lives, and the gentleness and care they have shown those babies and my son has not gone unnoticed. If you know a NICU nurse, give him/her a big hug and say thank you next time you see them!
- How hard it is to communicate with everyone about what's going on. Especially when there has really been nothing new to report. Sorry if I missed telling anyone about what's going on, it has just been hard to keep up.
Things I am especially grateful for today:
- The support of our family and friends…those caring for our kids while we are at the hospital, those cooking us meals and just providing general support while we navigate these tumultuous waters.
- My husband. He is a rock – and the reason I can breathe most days. He, in some way shape or form, has showed me on a daily basis why we were brought together and will be together for life.
- All the people offering prayers for our sweet baby boy and our family, and those sending positive vibes our way. An extra shout out to our Vincentian family and faith community of St. Gregory’s – I feel your prayers and love surrounding us on a daily basis and am so very grateful for that!
